Consider the Lilies of the Field...

...as I run them over with a lawn mower.

Ok people, it's one of those times where I can't focus so I'm taking a quick break from writing my English paper (more on that later) and writing down nonsense that makes me giggle like tickle me Elmo.

Earlier today I was mowing up some leaves in my backyard before it snows like hell* here and after my last time emptying the leaf catcher, the warning on the mower caught my eye.  Here is what my mind thought upon seeing the pictures:

Don't make peace signs at the mower or it will chop your fingers off.  Also, don't kick the mower, you'll lose your toes.

This mower isn't for running over children holding hands, it's for running over single men.

Do NOT perform a tribal African dance in front of the mower else it spear you with red arrows in the cranium, asophogus, and shin.

 This mower should only be used as a skateboard ONLY when the ground is under 15 Degrees in slope.  Or you'll die.  Also, use both feet, not just one.

Oh the things that bring me joy.

*Can it snow like hell?  I guess that would be fiery snowballs...you guys get what I mean.

In The Spirit of Giving--A Turkey Day With The Cardenas Clan

In the spirit of giving, I thought I'd share with you all a Thanksgiving day with my family since every family is unique in their own way.  We don't get to choose our families, but we sure get to talk about them.  You're welcome mother.

In response to an action:  "What are you, three years Old?"  "No, three year olds are smarter."

"Eat as much as you want, just make sure you drink lots of water after and you'll be fine."

"You better drink skim milk...to save your heart."

"You're a phlebotomists dream!"

"We're hobbits!"

"Your cat cheated on you..."

"...but Pocahontas made raccoons looks so cute."

"Church will be really huge so no one will notice we didn't come."

"Use the please word."

"You know that crazy person in Cedar? "  "...all of them?"

"I'll just stop selling crack."

"Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving Joey"

and to finally sum up the experience:


"If you miss Thanksgiving dinner I'm going to rip off your head."

Ah Thanksgiving, a time to eat, eat again, eat late, eat pie, and sit crowded together for a couple hours.
Feel free to share some of your favorite Holiday moments with your family.  Happy Thanksgiving!

It's like camping

Within the past week or so, I recently moved into my new home that I will be residing in until the end of Spring semester.  Let's talk about some of its wonders.

When I first moved into this house, I was the only person living inside of it.  A 1950's house, under remodeling, and all alone.  You think I'd have easily died the first night living there with some man with a hook hand coming through my window.  Fortunately for me, I just had to live with occasional creaks and moans that the house made so I could cry myself to sleep.

The next week got a little bit better.  Unfortunately for my friend Nicholas, he was booted from his house and needed a place to stay.  I jumped at the opportunity so that if a hook handed man got in the house, he'd get Nick first and I'd have time to go out a window.  With Nick moving in, we decided to bring the fridge in from outside where it had been living.  It now stares at me in the living room since the kitchen wasn't ready for it.  

Another great thing that came about with Nick's arrival was the bathroom door.  Not that he brought one, it just wasn't on the bathroom before he got here, it was outside hanging with the fridge.  I decided that since if I was alone, it was ok, but I thought I'd spare Nick the horror of....all that.

We also made the place more homely by hanging up posters of female pop stars.  Because, hey, what doesn't cheer up a place like voluptuous women who sing dirty pop songs?  I bet you don't have to guess the sexuality of one resident with Katy Perry and Ke$ha staring at him while he sleeps.

So here we are today.  A fridge staring at me while I type, a door on the bathroom, and no curtains on any of the windows.  Good thing I stopped walking around naked, all the neighbors would have just been SO shocked by my AMAZING body.*  But hey, at least it's home.

Artist of Note:  I'm obsessing over Regina Spektor again.  The pre-made YouTube mix for her is excellent since it has one billion songs on it, all of which I like.

*That's totally sarcasm in case you guys didn't catch that.  I thought I'd tell you.  Fools.

Meat Trucks, Fur Coats, Water Polo--Colorado

So I recently did something that was completely out of my comfort zone and completely spontaneous.  Usually, I'm the type of person that overthinks everything and takes a long, looong time to decide.  But there are occasionally those times when I decide to be crazy and do something out of the ordinary, and sometimes, sometimes, they lead to great opportunities in my life.

Wednesday night, I was bored, done with homework and looking for something to do.  Deciding that I couldn't sit on my floor and watch any more 30 Rock on Netflix when I got home, I texted a friend asking if anyone was going to play water polo sometime during the week. "Hey! We're going to practice at 5 today, come!" was his response.  *sigh* I had just walked out of the gym (it was 4 o'clock) and my legs were killing me.  Well, I asked, so I was going to go.

I was definitely a tad rusty, but practice was fine and I got my treading legs back in the water.  Of course, after practice, my new water polo mates asked me if I'd like to join them on Saturday in going to Colorado to play in a small tournament.  After much deliberating that went something like: "I really am not good enough to play at a college level, even a small college level to play in a tournament, I'll just embarrass myself.  But water polo is FUN, you have so much fun when you play! DO IT! GOOOOOO.  NO, don't go, you'll look like a loser!"  Well, on Friday night, after a couple texts from other kids, I decided to give in and go.  After all, even if I was a total failure in the pool, I could at least have some fun.  Commence traveling music...

Instead of going to bed at a normal hour like a normal person on the day of the trip, I stayed up with this kid eating del taco and watching 30 Rock.  Imagine me going to bed at 2 in the morning, then waking up at 5:50 to meet up with the other players.  Needless to say, I was a zombie who "slept" (if you can call bumping around in a van for 5 hours sleep) the whole way there.  I woke up occasionally to eat pop tarts and adjust my position but that was about it.

First, can I talk about Colorado?  Most of it resembles southern Utah in the sense that THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE, and the other parts resemble post-apocalyptic zombie towns.  Maybe it's because I've been watching The Walking Dead, but these towns looked deserted and the sky was so sad and bleak.  I wouldn't have been surprised if a zombie walked up to our car.

Our first gas stop was the first time I moved since getting in the car and this is where I saw some of the most wonderful/horrifying things in my life.  Walking around the rural gas station, which was passed by people on dirt bikes and had a melon stand nearby, I spotted a man.

Now, I'm usually good about staring at people, but just pictures this kids.  Bleach blonde hair stuck straight up, black pants, and a large fur coat that had a collar that extended past his neck.  When I saw fur coat, I mean a FUR COAT.  This thing was thick and look like it had recently been skinned off of Sasquatch, if Sasquatch had a nice light brown pelt.  It was the most interesting combo of clothes I had seen in a long while.  To top all this off, as I was sitting in the van again waiting for the gas to finish filling up, I saw our fur man getting into his white sports car.  His passenger: Two skeletons.  Obviously the bones of his last two victims.

Well, here's where the horrifying comes in.  Still waiting for the gas, a truck drove up and parked in front of our lovely little gas station.  What I saw made me gag and cry a little.  Inside the bed of the truck, uncovered, was the ribs and other body parts of Bambi and his extended family.  This wasn't a small pile of death, this pile was piled higher than the truck itself.  They had cleaned out the forest.  Poor Bambi...never saw it coming.

After our gas station of interesting people, the trip went rather smoothly.  We arrived at the pool, got dressed, warmed up, and played some water polo.  Getting back in the pool really made me realize how much I miss this violent sport.  These kids were much more aggressive than any kids I had played in high school and they were mean.  Of course, this makes the game even better.  We played a total of three games, the first two being SUU against Colorado Mesa University, and the last game being a mixed game with everyone put together on two teams playing against each other.  Needless to say, I was rusty, and by the end of the second game, I was a little bit done playing, so the third game I mostly slacked off since it didn't really matter (and we had won the first two games, woot!).  We were supposed to play a team from Wyoming, but unfortunately, they couldn't come due to traveling restrictions or something.  By the end of this, I emerged with 3 new scratches on my left forearm and a hunger for ANYTHING.  I could have eaten a live cow and two Bambis.

After changing back into normal clothes (I also left my speedo in the locker room by the way, sad day for him, he was so young), some members from the other team and our team went to a local pub and job some delicious food.  I do have to say that it's nice when kids you compete against don't hate you just because you were competition, cause these kids were completely normal.

Well commence driving music again kids.  Back in the car we went and drive drive drive back to Cedar City. We got home around 11:15pm where I thought I would surely pass out, but instead I stayed up until 2 again.  I blame this on all the car "sleep."

End Trip

Sorry this post was a little wordy and long and mostly just description, but I'm just writing it out because it made me happy.  I made new friends, I did something I loved, and it was one of those situations where I did something spontaneous, and the results were good.

I'm going to brag for just a second before I post this, but I got my economics test back today.  85%?  95%?  NO.  I got a big whopping ol' 115%!  Take that college!  I beat you at your own game and slaughtered your test with my superior knowledge.  Gloating session over.

Band of note:  Camera Obscura and any Ella Fitzgerald.

Fake Babies--Oh Sweet Pear!

Ok people, can we take a moment to talk about Facebook again?  Just for a second?

Since I don't hear any sirens or cops coming my way, I'm going to go full steam ahead.

So we all know those people who are on Facebook constantly through their phone, updating their status or checking other "friends" status'.  Some of them keep it to themselves, you know, go through the motions and don't bother anyone around them with silly details.  Then, there are those people who are so absorbed in their online social life that they have to let everyone around them know what they just posted or what someone else just posted.  I even met a kid once who social networked with us while we were in the room.  He sat there, and told us he was going to comment on something that another person put, and then he would do it.  WHAT?! My brain really doesn't comprehend.

But I digress, let's get back to those people who talk about it ALL the time.

 I once had the awkward situation of having a friend come up to me and say, "This (some large number over 30) many people liked my status today!"  I simply stood there, looked at them, and replied with, "Cool..."  Well, you might have thought that I had chucked that person's baby out the window by the look that he gave me.

So let's talk about this baby that I threw out said window.  Let me explain friend, why I don't like your baby. See, your baby isn't a real live, talking, walking, burping, cute baby--your baby is a fake plastic baby that spits up fake vomit and has a crackly voice-box that repeats strange noises over and over.

 You carry this baby around with you everywhere you go and expect everyone else to be just as excited as you are when you ask them if they want to hold it.  You run around campus, waving your baby proudly for all to see, shoving it in student's faces waiting for them to praise it as you do.  "Would you like to hold my child?!" you ask an innocent bystander who unknowingly steps into your trap.  At first, they think that it might be a cute, adorable, cooing baby, but when it's placed in their arms, they realize they're holding something of no worth and the look is shown on their face.  Of course, you're convinced that this child is a living, breathing thing that will die without you and you snatch up your child from the strangers confused face and walk away in a huff.  They just won't ever understand, you think to yourself.  They're just idiots to not realize how adorable this baby is, how ALIVE it is!  Idiots, all of them.

So when you ask me to hold your fake baby doll, I might look confused for a second, but then I'll promptly send that thing out the nearest window. You'll scream and cry, "Oh sweet pear!", but I know that I've done something good for you and the sake of all mankind. Fake babies aren't fun to play with, talk to, or talk about.  You shouldn't bring them up in normal conversation, or bring them to a social gathering.  Those of us who are concerned with REAL life and the world that is going on around us right now don't need to be reminded of how you reinforce your self-esteem by how many people "like" your baby.  If I see your baby once and I like it, I'll just tell you.*

Usually though, I'll just look at your made in china baby, look at you, look back at your made in china baby, take the baby, slap you with it, and throw you both out the window.  Because no one should be obsessed with something not in the real world**.

 But that's just me.  I obviously get really annoyed by this occurrence, but what do you think?  Am I overreacting just a bit or am I justified?  Is it just my sincere hate for Facebook?  Either way, I'll slap you and your ugly baby back to when your baby wasn't even born.

Rant over.

Quick School News:  I am definitely taking 20 credits next semester, I have to get into math 1050 STAT, I still have an English paper, I got a 71% on my Accounting test, and the library is empty.

Life News:  I need food, I've eaten way too much junk lately (more than humanly possible), and I've started listening to a ton of Bilie Holiday and Louis Armstrong.  This is so much better than homework *raw raw raw!*

*Not to mention, if you base your self-esteem and worth off of how many people "like" things you post, you really should get a new outlet and look your life over.
**I am ONLY referring to Facebook posting when I say not obsessed with things not in the real world.  I'm a twitter, tumblr, youtube, and blog fan.  None of those things are tangible, but I don't go around waving them in everyone's face.  I'll only bring them up when relevant.

Update:  Can I also mention strangers adding you on Facebook.  Not strangers as in "I only met them once," I mean strangers that YOU HAVE NEVER MET, EVER.  It's been happening more recently and I just don't understand.  Come on people, use your brain.

...then his head exploded

Let's talk about this week, seeing as how it's only Monday... *crowd moans*

I have two tests to prepare for:  Accounting test and Microeconomics test.  Accounting shouldn't be bad since our teacher tried to make the test easier this time so that the class average this time wouldn't be a D (I got an A-).  I just need to go over a bunch of silly questions with numbers.  That's the perfect description of accounting, silly things with numbers.  I'm so brilliant.  Moving on--micro will be a little more challenging.  I need to learn more terms that I neglected to learn in the beginning but other than that I'm fine.  I always feel awkward when the kid next to me talks about how hard this class is and how he needs to study more with the formulas.  I get the formulas so I can either lie and reply with: Oh yeah, this class is soooo hard... *hides test score*, or I can try and explain what we're doing.  I've done both.

Onto English.  I don't know if I mentioned before, but I got a B+ on the last paper I turned in.  You know,  the one about digressions?  Well apparently my digressions weren't digressy enough.  My teacher failed to see what they had to do with the overall theme of the paper...I also failed to see what they had to do with the overall theme of the paper as I don't even know what the overall theme of the paper was.  As our last small paper, I decided to wing it and see what I got.  Not bad Ryan...not bad.  Only thing about English that's still stressin' me a little is my big research paper.  But I know I'll get it done if I stop. drop. and stop freaking the hell out.

Next semester approaches!  I signed up for classes this morning and got into everything that I wanted.  But is it everything that I need to have my associates by next Spring? NO.  What am I going to do?  Do maymester.  What might I also do?  Take 20 credits for Spring semester.  ...and with a click of his mouse, Ryan's head exploded... I actually don't think it would be terrible since 5 of those credits are really not even classes, just silly things that I have to sit in to say that I did it.  I'm also going to go ask someone with more knowledge than me if I can just test out of these silly things so that my head won't explode.  I think they'd actually help me more if I phrased it like that.  Although, they might just think I'm a terrorist.

In weird news, I stopped drinking milk.

That's all that's coming to my head at the moment other than that my She & Him Pandora radio station is the BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.  That is all.

Bleeeeggghhh

That's the sound my face makes as I put both hands on it and pull down.  It's rather disgusting, but that's how I feel at the moment, k?

I'd like to quickly thank my body for getting over that nasty cold I had.  Also, I'd like to thank whoever made ibuprofen as I can take lots of them and not die.  Thank you little red pills, my body hurts a lot less.

I promise there's a point to this, I'm just deciding what's more important to write about at the moment.  I'm eating an apple in the library, that's pretty important, right?  No?  Well then I guess I'll write about English again.

Can I start off with how awesome my teacher is?  Seriously, the man is great.  First, I like that he isn't a Utah local and he suggests that during our research time we get a cup of coffee and sit down and work.  The look on the majority of the kids faces is just priceless (you can see the judgment in their little eyes).  Second, I love his grading.  If you mess up enough on your paper, he'll tell you exactly what you did wrong to and will sit down with you to figure out everything.  Then he'll actually let you turn it back in and you can get FULL CREDIT.  Yes, FULL CREDIT.  I just recently had to do this due to my bad habit of sentence fragments cause. I. Sometimes talk.  Like that. After my little mishap, I got an A and his comments were "I love the tone of this essay, plus you do an excellent job of analyzing the relationship."  Bam.  Score one for Ryan.  I got an I love on my paper, not an I like.  It makes me feel super awesome as you can tell.

Well the problem I'm having with my class right now is our research paper.  Ten pages on a nature artist/writer on an aspect of their work.  Now, the ten pages doesn't scare me, it's the aspect that I'm going to write about that scares me.  Choosing Ansel Adams, I figured that it would be easy enough.  Actually, it should be and I'm just overthinking this whole thing a bit.  I guess I just wanted to say what I'm doing.  Well, there you go.

Well, would you like an embarrassing moment in Ryan's life to make this a worthwhile read?  Why not? I'm feeling generous today.

Once upon a day, I was at the swimming pool at my high school well...swimming.  It so happened that after my workout my coach wanted me to work on my push a little push (push being how I pushed back the water in my stroke).  He thought it could be a little bit stronger so me and a few other teammates gathered around a machine where you lay face-down and push two handles with your arms simulating a stroke with both arms.  I let all the other kids go first, each one smoothly pushing back and forth as they slid up and down the machine in a smooth rhythm.  Eventually, it came to be my turn.

 NOTE:  This is minutes after I got out of the pool so my body is still dripping with water, but back to the story.  I lay down on the black plasticy pad and put my hands in both handles and pushed.  It was smooth, easy, nothing unusual.  "Come on, push a little bit harder," my coach urged.  So I did.  "Harder!" he let me know once again.  So I pushed harder and harder with smooth movement.

SEGWAY:  This machine is also positioned so my head is directly aimed towards the concrete diving blocks, you can probably guess what happened.


Squeee! "WOAH!" One final HARD push and my slick body propelled off the machine like a man from a cannon.  The world quickly turned upside down as I flipped over and landed on my neck (not painfully, don't worry) at the base of the diving block onto the tiled deck.  I just sat there for a moment, my legs twisted behind my body in some weird failed somersault pose, and then I couldn't stop laughing.  Mostly because of the look of concern on my coach's face which cold be described as a gaping mouth and two eyes that screamed "OH SHIT, NOW I'VE GONE AND KILLED ONE OF MY SWIMMERS."  He is one of the quietest and kindest people in the world, so killing someone probably doesn't sit too well with him.  In his defense, I really could have been seriously injured with a metal edge going into my skull, but let's ignore that.  He apologized again and again but I assured him I was fine and just went and took a nice hot shower, laughing the whole way there.

Yet another day that I dodged death and/or maiming due to my own lack of foresight.  Yay me.  I can't say I ever used that machine again.