¡Que Sopresa!

Oh hey guys, guess what?

I'M BACK IN THE 'MERICA.

Yes, I have returned a tad earlier than I had previously anticipated. Well, that's a lie. It's really earlier than some of you had anticipated because I've been planning this for month. Months.

See, I decided when I bought my plane ticket home that I would give some people some big surprises because who doesn't love a surprise? Me, I don't. Well, they're fun and I can enjoy them, but I like giving them more! The joy, the tears, that small moment when you believe you might have given someone a heart attack, to that longer, more disappointing moment when you realize that they're not going down. Who doesn't love PLAYING WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES?

So now that I'm back, I'm going to answer all those questions that you totally want to ask me (Yes, I'm making the assumption that someone would ask these questions. I reserve the right to make up hypothetical situations in my mind that I believe could happen in real life).

Here we go:

1. Holy guacamole, you must be tired. Plane flight; how long?

Well, including layovers, 32 hours. Total flight time: about 18.

2. Oh my gosh, did the man next to you on the plane invade your space!?

How did you know?! He breached the unwritten rule of, "This is my armrest and that is your armrest." I might have noticeably pushed his arm a few hundred times during the 13 hours.

3. Isn't The 'Merica just so great?

Yeah, and quiet. Where are all the people?

4. These are all the people.

Really?

5. Really.

Oh.

6. Welcome back to the land of preservatives!

Thank you, glad to be back. But isn't Oreo a preservative? Because I'm pretty sure I ate enough of those paired with McDonald's to preserve my body for the next millennium (But wouldn't that seriously be cool if my body was so well preserved from the chemicals in the food that I ate that future archaeologists just found me perfectly preserved, skin and all, eating a doughnut off the ground or something? This is assuming we have a sudden disaster that kills everyone. Like Vesuvius, but much less...ashy.)

7. What do you miss?

Dodging cars in traffic BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE. But seriously, I miss some foods (Cheap noodles everywhere!), cheap public transportation, and other things that I'm sure I'll be aware of the more time that I'm back.

8. So you totally speak Chinese now, right?

Wo jiao Ryan. Wo xi huan noodles. Wo bu hui shuo hao zhongyue ...ni shi xigua.

9. What it's like being  back in the 'Merica?

You've been here for awhile, so it must be pretty OK.

Glad to be back y'all.

Things I Didn't Know: Part II

Oh look at that! We're back to things about China that I didn't know but forgot to tell you about last time! Is there an acronym for that? Yes, it's TACTIDNBFTTYALT. It's not the easiest to remember or say, but if you could slip it into everyday conversation, that'd be great (I'm trying to make it a thing).

Yes, these are more things that I instantly remembered as soon as the original post had been up for about a day. I sat on the bus and smacked myself in the head--not only because the bus lurched to a stop, but also because how could I forget some of these things? So without further ado, here are more things I didn't know about China (Also, I'm not done editing the other post that I really wanted to get up because sometimes I want things to be perfect. Not super perfect, but pretty dang good. I didn't want there to be such a large gap between posts and this one probably won't be edited much or at all! This is for youuuuuuuuu. Writing something in a list form is just so much easier and it means that I can listen to music and eat Oreo's while I write instead of concentrating really hard--and typos are just so much easier to ignore! I mean, it's like if I promised you guys a cake in two weeks, but halfway through that I decided to give you cookies. They're probably store bought, but they're still cookies, so you can't complain. Just take the cookies!):

1.* How Lines Work
They don't. Really more of the fact that they don't exist to an extent. I'll use the example of waiting for the bus: People wait in a large clump where the bus will be. When the bus arrives, everyone just kind of walks as a collective clump to try and attempt to board the bus. If you've ever tried to shove a ball of hamsters through a vacuum tube (not that I have), you know that it doesn't exactly work very well. This also applies to getting off the bus. Take the hamster metaphor, but imagine the hamsters coming out of the tube (Not that I've done that either.) Never have I ever strong-armed so many people.

2. Belly Shirts
For ladies? Of course not! I first arrived in China at the beginning of summer when the temperature was just starting to climb. Eventually, the heat reached what I would call the "unbearable" zone and an interesting phenomenon began: the belly shirts. Men between the ages of 20's to late middle age (Some older, too.) began to roll up their shirts to just below their nipples. This could be on the bus, in the elevator, or just a nice stroll on the town. Just...bellies, everywhere. The cold has now put the bellies back from where they came, but I know once it gets above 65 degrees, they will reemerge...

3. Bangs
As far as I can tell, bangs are really in right now for Asian women. It could be the population density that I live in, but I'd guess that about 50% of women have bangs that are cut straight across, right above their eyes. (Which of course reminds of this old commercial that I enjoy.)

4. Hot Water
I may have talked about this before, but double the information for you! Hot water has magic properties. At least, that is what I'm led to believe. You have a small cold? Hot water. Your back hurts? Hot water. You've been stabbed? Hot water...and maybe a trip to the hospital. I've been recommended to drink hot water for all of these things (minus the stabbing) to see if it helps. I guess I can't say it doesn't work, but I can say I've scalded my mouth more than I ever have before when water used to be so innocent.

5. Backstreet Boys
They had a tour here recently which means I hear my childhood on the radio a lot. Every time those songs come on I get flashes of Pokémon cards and Beanie Babies.

6. Spitting.
Oh sweet Beyoncé above us, the spitting! It can be sly and dribble out the mouth, or a loud hacking accompanied by a noisy spat, but it all goes to the same place: the ground. Be you old woman or teenage boy, you spit what you want, when you want, where you want.

7. Baby Clothes (How did I forget this one?)
There is this interesting little modification to baby clothes here. Almost each and every pair of baby pants comes included with a slit that goes from crotch to bum. Yes; also the babies don't wear underwear a lot (and diapers are a rarity). These handy little slits mean that the baby can just release the floods (1 & 2) whenever they feel like it. Places such as: On the bus onto your feet; in the Walmart garbage can; multiple street corners;  and playgrounds.

There are more things to give you entertainment for a while. Remember, just take the cookies.



*Can you guys also not get on my case about the numbering? I know this is a semi-continuation of the old list, but now it's new numbering because I want it to be. I am God in this situation.