Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Boring

I think I just hyper-extended my shoulder. Is that a thing? Or is that only a thing with your elbow? Either way, I think I hyper-extended my shoulder reaching for my chapstick under my bed. Of course, I refuse to carry around my chapstick and it's one of those egg-shaped chapsticks that just roll away when you reach for them because my life is meant to be endless suffering.

So now I'm sitting here with my shoulder hyper-extended (extound?) and figuring out what to do left to entertain myself today.

This morning around 9am, I checked myself into a medical research facility. I'm sure your first thought might be something along the lines of, "Ryan, you're going to be coming out of there an octopus monster...with a gimp." or, "You know those places are only for crack heads and junkies, right?" Well, if that's how you feel, you could be right in those things--but that didn't stop me because I'm tougher than a pioneer with dysentary.

A few months ago I was perusing the newspaper while sipping my coffee when I stumbled upon an ad looking for participants for medical research. It featured a pleasant looking girl in her mid 20's laughing (probably to some medically related joke like, "Do you know what I find humerus? Your funny bone!") and staring off into the distance picturing how much better her life would be if she joined this medical study. Damn, I really want to be that girl, but me and with my hair and teeth because I have some great teeth (and momma wants a new pair of shoes). So I went about making my way to get signed up for any study that was available.

It took a bit of time, but eventually I was able to get screened (blood drawn, urine sample, EEG, the works) and told to show up at 9am on a Monday morning.

So there I was. Bright and early, dressed in my comfy clothes, ready to get experimented upon. Armed with my phone, a few books, a laptop loaded with movies, and...charisma? I really wasn't exactly sure how to emotionally prepare for this and so far I've gotten that the general feeling is slight indifference.

I walked into the doors and was quickly ushered into a room where they proceeded to search my belongings (Because who knows, maybe I decided to bring my cat with me. Or worse, contraband food!) and hand me a pair of scrubs to change into.

"What's your size? Extra Large?"

"Yeah, he's probably an extra large," chimed in another worker.*

"Well, I usually do a la--,"

"Here's an XL, go get changed in the bathroom please.

"Ok..."

I cinched up those pants real tight, but couldn't avoid the balloon that I am now wearing for bottoms. Thankfully, I'm not doing a lot of moving and no one really cares too much about what you're wearing here, since, surprise! They're all wearing the same thing.

"Ok, now go pee in this cup."

After a quick trip to the bathroom, I proceeded to lay on the bed given to me in the room with every other study participant.

"Well, we look good for today."

Huh?

That was it. That was the first day. It wasn't even 10am and I was done for the day. Well, it looked like the point where I just resign myself to die.

Things I did to occupy myself for the next twelve hours"

-Incorrectly type in the wifi password to my laptop for two hours and taking an angry nap, only to wake up and realize I had just switched two characters.

-Googled Carrie Bradshaw's pink Oscar de la Renta dress to see if I could find one to buy for some reason.

-Rewatching Bojack Horseman Season 1 on Netflix.

-Falling asleep and having to rewatch episodes of Bojack Horseman.

-Texting all of my friends how bored I was to see who would respond first (No one did for a few hours.)

-Seeing how long I could hold my pee.

-Watching the other participants to see if they ever left their beds (I don't think they move. I think they might be dead. This is probably purgatory.)**

-Finishing one of the books I brought (I only brought 3. This is day 1 of 5.).

-Googling 'Octupus Monster.'

-Attempting to braid my hair.

-Subsequently getting angry that I don't have to ability to braid my own hair.

-Wondering if my cat thinks I'm dead and how long he will mourn me.

-Probably only a day. Because he's a cat.

-Rediscovering that Goldfish crackers are still good.

I took her advice. I binge watched A show.

-Combing my hair with my fingers.

-Wondering if I get to keep the water bottle they gave me. Especially since I smudged all my initials upon first grabbing it.

-Scrolling through blogs just to read the ignorant comments.

-Deciding not to comment back because you know that those people will find you and try and cut off your scalp in your sleep.

-Reaching for my chapstick  under my bed and hyper-extending my shoulder***

-So here we are now. Twelve hours later. Nearing the end of Day 1. Send supplies please.


*Yeah, I'm still not really sure what to classify these people. Nurses? Scientists? Experimenters? Madmen? No, then they just sound like advertising moguls in the 60's. I wonder how they'll feel if I just call them 'Pap.'
**I have a weird anxiety about walking around since no one else is. Am I supposed to walk around? Am I supposed to resign myself to my bed and the floor is lava? Will the nurses come and tackle me if I get too far away from my cot? I'd rather not risk it.
***I just realized that I never explained why my chapstick was under my bed in the first place. It's not like it rolled there on its own, I put it there in a bin. I forgot to mention that all of my belongings are sitting in a large plastic bin underneath my bed so I have to reach under there any time I want to moisturize my supple lips or grab a book like some kind of prisoner...who is totally here on their own volition.