Well, I'm Not Dead Yet

I recently had the pleasure in psychology of pretending that I had written a book based on my life story.  Now, the original instructions were to pick a title and four of the chapter titles and then explain each.  So, doing what I do, I pretended to start writing a book where I'd write a small portion of each chapter and then move onto another one.  To me it described everything much better than saying, "I picked this title for my book because blah blah blah."  It's just what I do people...

So here we start with the explanation for my book title, or I guess the foreword you'd find inside the little cover jacket if you happened to be looking in there.  I bet there's also a nice little picture of me posing with my head resting on both my hands looking serenely off into the distance...majestic.

Well, I'm Not Dead Yet:
A Collection of Short Stories

What Have You Just Opened?

Some may say that the title of this book is morbid and sad.  I’m going to try and convince you otherwise. 

“Oh, he must be such a tortured soul to only be contemplating about his imminent death in his writing,” some might say as they glance by the cover on their weekly Barnes and Noble coffee run (we all know you’re just pretending to read).  “People need to write more about happy things, like the return of the Confederate states,” one Southern Jehovah’s witness might say.  “I heard she’s really tall,” could be the thoughts of Cindy, mother of 5, soccer mom, and driver of a mini-van.  Maybe the only reason you bought this book is because the shiny cover embossed on the front caught your eye and you just happened to open it.  I’m assuming your thoughts were something along the lines of, “If the insides are as good as the outside, then at least I won’t be reading shit about a vampire.”  Heaven forbid someone referred you to this book—Lord knows my mother didn’t. 

          

  “Why is this book about your death then?”  Well see, that’s the thing, it’s not; It’s about my life and the fact that I’m not dead.  Throughout my life I found myself repeating this phrase through most situations and time and time again, it’s fitting.  Can this apply to only bad situations?  Of course not.  This phrase is as ambiguous as that slutty girl you knew in high school, it just goes either way.  Through all the times, light and dark, I could always remind myself that my body was still breathing, whether I liked it or not.  Overall, it really means that if I’m going to still be alive, then I’m going to do something with it.  Through all the narcissism, pleasure, pride, guilt, fear, stress, and pain, I survived.

        

So here we go, down into the abyss, as to why I’m (surprisingly) not dead yet.

My Life in Lines

Recently in Psychology, we had to write out our life plan and because I think I'm just the most hilarious person on the planet, I decided to write a poem.  No, this is not all that I turned in, I just added it at the end for brownie points.

My Life in Lines:

College house basement where I live

I’m going to leave you, so do forgive

I’m moving on, I’m moving up

New University, new job, new cups (and plates)

You’ll be all empty inside soon

Gonna move my stuff to a new room

Have my roommate picked out, job in tow

You’ll beg me to stay and I’ll just say, “So?”

My major will be more than cool

Two years? They’ll fly by you fool

I’ll date around and own a cat

All I hope is that I won’t get fat

Eventually I’ll settle own

Find “the one”, he’ll get the crown

Work all day, study all night

Then eat ramen by the candlelight

Then that fateful day will roll around

December 13^th, my birthday will be found

I’ll turn 30—hell that’s up there

And poof, I’m rainbow glitter in the air

…and that’s how I died.

THE END

It's Almost Noon

It's almost noon
I haven't showered
Maybe I will...
In like, an hour

My floor's a mess,
My bed's undone
I don't even think
I've seen the sun

The blinds are drawn
I might escape,
I'll just wear my blanket
Like a cape

What's that I hear?
Oh, my life just dying,
"Go be productive
You smelly Ryan!"

But why, oh why
Are there things to do?
Books to be read,
Papers that are due.

I'll stare at the pile
And it'll stare right back.
Menacingly in my eyes,
Like a rabid yak

"I promise," I"ll say
"You will be defeated!
Just right after
My feet have been heated."

And so I will sit
Wrapped in my cocoon.
Still telling myself
It's almost noon.

Noah's Ark of the Internet: 40 Days and Nights of Normality

Wai-wait...where am I?  How did I get here?

What is this endless space of sarcasm, snarky jokes, and cats just floating around in endless space?  The In-ter-net you say?...what?  What wizardry is this?  I say we find whatever witch created this and burn them!  BURN THEM!

...so fortunately I haven't regressed that much in the span of 40 days.  Although, I do enjoy a good witch burning in my backyard every now and then.  Keeps my crops from failing.  I call it "yardwork" *

The first part of my social network cleanse was...interesting.  Sweating, vomiting, nausea, hallucinations; I stayed up for days rocking back and forth in my bed whispering things to myself like: "Science cat...where is science cat!" "Must look at cartoons with witty puns! Please, just one!"  "I wonder what day it is..." (I actually just say that one all the time).  I would accost people on the street asking them for just a glimpse of their twitter feed or if they even had one.  Just one tweet, I'd be good after one, I promised.  Rejected by society, I just ran home to fill the void in my soul with honey bunches of oats.

I'm pretty sure I saw cats and unicorns climbing around my room and shooting lasers out of their eyes...wait, that's a normal Tuesday night.

After laying in my own filth for a couple of days, the shuddering stopped and I could see straight again.  I had done it, I had distanced myself from my dealer and come out on the other side scarred, but alive.

I kid, I kid.  Being completely honest in a completely non-sarcastic tone (hard for me, I know), turning my back on social networking was altogether a rather easy and good experience.  The first couple days I did almost slip up a couple times when I'd go into autopilot and hop down onto my lappy, start ticking away a website, and then scream and throw my computer onto the floor into a million pieces like it was Shelob.** But after that, I realized it was something that didn't bother me.  Only occasionally in the back of my mind some thought would arise as to "what was happenin'" but I easily could remind myself I was alive without it.

I was still doing well in school (if not better), reading more books than I had before (to keep up with my New Years goal), making real meals, going outside and seeing that bright round thing in the sky, and sitting in the same clothes I had worn the day before listening to Rihanna full blast.  My mind was even a little less cluttered with useless info.  Dang, I really need to get on my laundry.

What I'll say (as I've also stated in various ways before) is that this is my opinion in the matter of what I learned:

Social networking, ie: Facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. are not the evil things themselves.  The misuse and overuse of them is the detrimental thing in our society (our society being the typical American teenager/young adult).  Instead of ruling our lives, they should only be a supplement to how we are living.  Like nutrition, you can't live only off of vitamins and candy, eventually you have to eat something with sustenance.  I'm really glad I participated in Lent and would even go as far as to recommend it to you, dear reader, to participate in some year if you feel the need to get a new perspective.

So go slaughter and grill that metaphorical cow, climb that real mountain, and make yourself a nice thick chocolate milkshake.  No really, make a milkshake, you look like you could use one.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some yardwork to do...

Oh yes, I'll see about putting up the Lent diaries at all since looking at them now, I don't know how I feel about them.  We'll see.



*That was for you (you know how you are. You stole my milk).
**Totally making an LOTR reference in case you weren't aware.