Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dear Girl Above Me

Dear girl above me,

I know we've never met before, or ever really seen each other, but I assume that we both know that the other exists. I'm sure you've seen me passing out of the driveway, or carrying groceries into the door, and I don't blame you for not saying hi (I mean, I haven't said it either, so we're all good on those grounds).

You have a dog, which is super great! Our dogs even have a lot in common sometimes! They're quiet, respectful, and don't bark a lot. I forgot to mention that my dog died a few years ago (so she's not as lively as she once was). Your dog, on the other hand, seems to be full of life and so do you! I get the talking in a weird baby voice to your dog and having it chase things. I also realize that I used to do that with my dog outside (You know, when she was alive.) so that people indoors could maintain some peace and quiet. I'm sure our dogs would have even gotten along because I can tell that your dog likes to talk (bark) all the time! For instance, at 3am the other morning, she just wanted to let the whole neighborhood know where she was and you decided that a good run around the house might help. I think we really bonded at that moment.

I also get the whole "spousal problem" thing! I mean, if I was home alone, I would talk as loud as I could on the phone to my friend complaining about things he was doing. He left the TV on again!? Ugh, he is just the worst (I assume.). But here's where you lose me: Every time your so-called hubby returns home from wherever he goes during the day, you two seem to have a fully functioning wood shop up there. It would seem to me that after complaining on the phone for hours at a time about this person that you wouldn't be able to haul heavy lumber around the house together, but you two seem to make it work! (I guess that's what marriage is all about, right?)

Us below you also think that your furniture is probably great where it is. To us, it sounds like you've rearranged it about every day since you got there and it has to have reached some sort of feng shui. Also, if it's dead bodies (No judgment! We've just speculated that loud thumps followed by long silences could be some kind of "Silence of the Lambs" type scenario, but we don't want to be nosey.), please drop them on a mattress or something.

Have you ever heard of the hit television show, "American Idol?" Every song you've sung to could definitely bring you fame and fortune, *hint hint.*

Maybe we could be friends, but our sheer proximity really prevents me from doing that right now. There are days I want to knock on your door and tell you that I can hear you screaming at the TV, but I don't want to make you feel embarrassed. I'll also admit that it's a little nice pretending like I know your life because I can hear every little move you make.

I will also definitely take the instance of when you threatened to throw up on your significant other so that he would leave you alone and apply it to my daily life. That was a metaphor, right?

Sincerely,

The guy passive-aggressively complaining about you on the internet

P.S. We can still hear you faking sex.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Pseudo-parenthood, Part 2

Stella and Steve have left our presence. After chewing on multiple items of clothing and basically anything in sight, paired with multiple escapes (probably coordinated by Steve), we were over owning rats. I know, I know--we only had them for about a week, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LOVE US. Yes, I mean to say that crawling over my body with little rat feet isn't love.

How did we fill this void? With a guinea pig of course. Yes, on our trip to return our small rat "friends," we happened upon the small tank that held three little guinea pigs. Three little fluff balls making tiny guinea pig noises that kind of sounded like a wave machine, but with more guinea pig. It was like a two-in-one bargain!

"I like the brown one, because it's a loner." I said to Beth.

It was true. Our little spotted guinea friend didn't play with the other two orange-spotted pigs and kind of just moseyed around the tank and looking for something else to do.

"I think that's why I like him too." said Beth.

With that, we chased our new friend around the tank until we were able to successfully catch her in a cardboard box. Her name is Wallace and she will love us.

Wallace took kindly to her new home by not moving or doing anything in particular. She actually resembled a guinea statue until I tried to touch her where she would turn into a small race horse to escape my grasp. Things I did not know: Guinea pigs are faster than you think.

"Wallace likes to nibble." Beth sent me in a text the next day.

"Wallace bit me." I sent back later that day. It turns out that screaming, "LOVE ME!" while holding out your hands to catch an escaping guinea pig doesn't actually make them warm up to you faster.

Here's to our second chance at pseudo-parenthood. Because guinea pigs can't fit through small bars...and neither can children.