'Twas My Days Before Christmas

O' holy shiiiiit, the tree is all on fiiiiiiirrrre.

'Twas two weeks before Christmas
and all through our house,
all the kids were still sleeping,
had chloroform been doused?

No, school was let out
and the fun had just started;
so get up! Go shower!
It smells like you farted.

"Were there papers to write?
Any books to be read?"
I kept thinking to myself
just up in my head.

I realized the holidays were here
and each day was great!
Lay in my underwear
and eat solely cake!

The tree glowed with light
and stockings hung up all gaily.
"Maybe" I thought at midnight,
"I should start showering daily."

C-Day approached fast, 
The eve was nigh.
"If you aren't at dinner tonight," Mom said
"I'll stab you in the eye."

Gifts were exchanged,
snow fell through the air.
All threats that night
were kept to a minimum death stare.

Deck the halls with calls to Amber Alert,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

As the stars shone in heaven
like meth labs alight,
all the kids started bidding
each other goodnight.

"I think I hear Santa" 
I thought in my bed.
"I hope he knows weight-related-diabetes
will kill you real dead."

The sun came up early
just as you'd expect.
'Cept this time some man
broke in and left us effects.

Ritual set in 
for the siblings around
"Just one at a time," Said mother
"We WILL make this a round."

All the stockings ripped down
from the chimney now sparce.
All tempted to down candy
that'll make a fat arse.

Wrappings strewn on the floor,
chocolate smeared onto faces,
small comas commenced
each respective in places.

The day had come
and it went by real fast,
like a hit and run Grandma
hitting traffic cones she passed.

Every year we see joy
and smiles spread on faces,
because it's, "'Tis the Season!"
to be in good graces.

So I'll take what I get,
even when short-lived.
If some snow on the ground
means cheer will be gived.

So thank you good fat-man
and thanks to dear Jesus,
even if we only give each other
festivus cheeses.

So a belated Christmas here
and a belated Christmas there,
It's the thought that counts, right?
Because now I don't care.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays