So here we go kids, Ryan's list of New Years Resolutions:
1. Dress for Success:
Ugh, I can't believe we even put effort into this anymore. You know, just like the saying of "I'm going to have to make my bed again, so why make it now?", I decided that getting ready isn't worth it. Kind of like, "I'm just going to have to eat again, why do it now?" Showering? Nah. Am I really going to ever impress these professors? Probably not. So why pretend like hygiene is any priority for me? I am starting the movement of grunge! If we all look like shit, no one will!
2. Drink More Fluids:
I was thinking about how I mainstream it is to walk to school in a straight line, so I decided to switch things up a bit. I mean, aren't all those motivational speakers telling us to swim against the current? Well, I'm going to walk against the current...in curvy lines. I heard/read once that alcohol every day keeps the heard strong. People, if a doctor is saying this, IT. MUST. BE. TRUE. Taking notes will become a breeze since I'll just have the ink impressed upon my face from passing out on my papers in class. Talk about applying the knowledge (literally).
3. Get More Sleep:
Here's another doctor related resolution. According to all the doctors in the world ever, humans need sleep. If we don't sleep, we die. You missed a couple days sleep? Say hello to a coffin my friend. So to delay my eventual death, I decided to take this to the next level. 15 hours a night. Aren't I supposed to be going to class? Well how am I supposed to be going to class if death is looming over me every second of the day?! My school has given me a death sentence so I'm giving them the finger. HI-BER-NA-TION.
4. Help the Environment:
Apparently the world is running out of everything that will keep us alive so I decided to stick it to the man and use less. Less dish washing, less clothes washing, less showering, less eating. How do you think I'd feel if I was the one who turned on the faucet and used the last cup of water in the world? Pretty shitty. So I'm not going to take that chance to be the scapegoat for waste.
5. Be More Observant:
One flaw I'd like to work on this year would be observing more about the world around me. See that girls at Wal-Mart in the hideous sweatpants and crocs? Who else would go and point out to her outfit choices (that obviously make her a lesser being) if I wasn't going to be more observant? You think that guy looks like a douchebag? Well, now he is. Because I observed it. I think that getting to know people is so 2000 and observing from afar is much safer.
6. Be More Vocal:
You know, I've always wanted to try and speak up more and participate more in class. All the professors say that those who participate usually get better grades so I will be that one. I will be the kid talking on the phone in the library next to you and shouting in class the right answer. Oh, that wasn't the right answer? I think I'm going to argue with you because now I'm participating. I just want to get the most out of this university guys since if I paid for it, I can treat these people however I'd like to.
7. Get In Shape:
The wheel was invented with one purpose: to make it easier to transport from point A to point B quicker. Using that logic, I can assume that if people were rounder, they can from point A to point B faster than they could before. Here's to eating whole cakes! Twinkies! (RIP), Chocolate Milk! Fudge! My heart is only beating harder than before because it loves me so much. That small pain in my arm? Oh, that's just my veins reminding me that I'm doing a good job. I mean, if lifting weights hurts your arms, this is the same thing.
8. Experience New Things/Places:
Travel is supposed to be one of those things that opens your worldview and expands the cool parts in your brain area. Who am I to deny the BRAIN AREA?! I decided the quickest way to travel somewhere new would be experiencing something new: Arson. What other activity is artistic, free, and exciting all at the same time? After my art burns to the ground, I'll get a free trip, free, to a small room with at an all-inclusive facility! The great thing about this is that if I'd like to extend my stay, I just have to keep having new experiences and BAM, right back in and maybe to an even bigger facility.
9. Teach A Man to Fish:
You know that saying, "Catch a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach and a man to fish and he'll eat for life?" Well I'm going to teach a man to fish all right, fish at your local grocery store. We all know that fish are the Thelma's of the animal world so I think our local grocer would applaud us relieving them of any and all fish. You know, those shelves look really full, I think I'll teach a man to fill his large coat with that too. Nope, put the boiled pigs feet back, I didn't teach you that.
10. Be More Accepting:
Sometimes I have a really hard time with change so I thought I'd nip this one in the butt. You'd like to write a paper for me? Well, I told myself I'd be more accepting. Where's your iPod you say? Well, I accepted it from you since I knew you'd be so kind as to offer it anyways. No, I've already accepted it so please go accept one from someone else.
11. Get Tazered
So there's my quick list of New Years Resolutions to help improve my life. If you'd like, please pull from this and my infinite knowledge to help improve your life as well! Even add some of your own! Because if collaboration has taught us anything, it gets shit done (just ask your mom).
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