Ryan Goes to Court

I know what you're thinking; I finally snapped and stabbed some poor unsuspecting freshmen with a paperclip after they played farmville on the only available computer in the library during finals week.

I obviously have some street cred now and can say things like 'swag' or 'thug' (I'm pretty new, throw me a bone to what real gangsters actually say.)

Oh that's right, occasionally I mix up traffic court with a high security prison, oops.

Yes, it's true.  The "good" boy you all know was caught by the popo breaking the laws of the road in little Overton, Nevada about a month or so ago.  I may or may not have been going 30 miles over the speed limit (it's may, otherwise this story wouldn't have happened ya derp).  So, upon receiving my ticket, the officer informed me that I wold have to attend traffic court else they put out a warrant for my arrest.

The new children's book I'm writing.

In my head after he said this, I thought to myself what the life of a fugitive would be like.  Would I be able to suddenly grow a long beard to hide my true identity? Would aviator sunglasses be permanently glued to my face? I guess we'll never know...

So instead of dodging the law, about a week ago I traversed out to small town Nevada the night before my court date*, slept a few hours, and then got up and wandered the town a bit until I found the Moapa Valley Justice Court where I went inside and took a seat.

I was about 10 minutes early for my 7:30 hearing so I sat quietly in the chair next to the court door since what else was I supposed to do.  At this time, one other criminal was sitting two chairs away from me and apparently if there are only two people in court, this means that conversation must occur.

"So are you local or were you just passing through?" Jack the Ripper asked me

"Oh, I was just passing through and they got me."

"Yeah me too...you know, there are usually people lined up outside the door at this place." as Ted Bundy continued the conversation.

"Well I guess people are just staying out of trouble then." I said with a little smile on my face.

Wait a minute--how does he know there are lots of people at this specific traffic court when he said he was just passing through?  Yes, he specifically said that he was NOT LOCAL  I know what you're thinking: Ryan, he must have said these places.  No. No he said this place. THIS place.  I was obviously dealing with some sort of maniac-repeat-offender who was going to run me over with his death-mobile first chance he got.

"Hm, you know this court room sure is small..." said Jeffrey Dahmer as he glanced through the window of the court room door

Alright now it's official.  This man has seen far too many court rooms for twice as many reasons if he is comparing their relative size.  Was this small compared to the supreme court justice room?  I decided to just keep looking at the clock to avoid any more interactions with the Zodiac Killer over there...

"Oh look, here they all come."

Sure enough, outside the door, a slew of other traffic disgracers had shown up to plead their cases in a court of law.  The clock struck 7:30 and I was ushered into the courtroom after being scanned with a metal detector (you know, in case I brought my shiv from home).

What was sure to be my future home.

After the judge had us all rise, head, shoulders, knees, and toes, and sit down, he explained the rules of this game called "traffic court."  We could plead guilty, guilty with an excuse, or not guilty where a court date would be set for us later in the year.  He then explained if we chose not guilty with an excuse that the excuse couldn't be we didn't know what the speed limit was.  Shoot judge, you just ruined my day.

Next commenced the explanations of some interesting people.  One man claimed that he spun his wheels in a parking lot for 30 seconds because he "didn't know" how strong his jacked up truck was.  One woman was there for her son who had apparently had a drinking and driving incident (repeatedly).  Our mass murderer conversationalist man had apparently just done similar to what I had done but a few miles less.  Surprising, I was expecting the charge to be "mowed down an entire school yard with a tractor."  Finally, it was my turn.

Standing before the judge, he explained to me how lucky I was to have this taken down to a non-moving traffic violation and how thankful I should be.  At this point, I was not going to argue with anyone since I really just wanted to pay my fine and be on my merry way.  I pleaded guilty and thought that I had said I knew that this was my one and only get-out-of-expensive-insurance card but then the judge started to talk about a court date in January.

What?

January.

Say what now?

I stammered quickly to explain that I did not want to contest the ticket at all and I was sorry I misunderstood whatever he had said (because in my mind I was just supposed to keep saying yes). The judge gave me a look that said "ya' dumb" and I think I actually heard someone else in the courtroom snicker.  I awkwardly stood there as the judge grudgingly crossed out some writing on his pad (I guess he really enjoys contesting speeding violations and I ruined his day) and then I sat down with the clerk to pay my fine.

I did it.  I had evaded the law and avoided jail time where I would have surely become part of a large gang that crochets on Tuesday nights and Wednesday night is jailhouse stab-a-thon.  I am a criminal no more...or ever was really but let me have some small street cred.

Ryan Cardenas:  Fighter, fugitive, gang lord, and traffic violator.  Free at last.



*You may be wondering why I didn't just pay the ticket online. See, they told me if I showed up in person, since it was my first offense I would be able to have it taken off my record and turned into a non-moving traffic violation.  So yes, I drove very far to help keep my insurance costs low.