Awkward Wednesday: You'll Ask Anyways

(Just an FYI before I begin: Over the weekend after posting my very naked post, I obsessed over how much I did not like it. Without the use of the internet for a couple days, I couldn't change it it all.  I even speculated at taking it down and rewriting the whole thing to something I would enjoy more, but by the time I had the power to change it, it had been up long enough I figured I would have to deal with what it was. I guess sometimes I'll write things and not be satisfied with the results no matter how much I change them, and that's OK. Thanks for enjoying it though.  I just felt like telling you all, so pretend like you never read this and go back to the original post. Pretend like I took your subway sandwich, added a little more turkey, and then gave it back. You ordered a meatball sub you say? Well what were you expecting from me, I've never worked in a deli.)



As far as people go, I'd place myself in the group that often doesn't know how to respond to a lot of questions. What kind of questions you ask? Well, the specific questions that make me (and the many others like me, I know I'm not alone) feel like I have no appropriate response.  Basically questions that I don't enjoy asking and don't think should be asked. Let's just dive in:

Why are you so tall?
Really? Really? You've known me for as long as you do and this is what you're going to ask me when I tell you that you may ask me any one questions about myself no matter how deep and personal?  You really need to rethink your life sir or madam.  But really, how am I supposed to go about answering this question?

Well you see, every night I strap my ankles to the door frame and sleep like a bat.  The force of gravity pulls my body and elongates my frame to the figure that I have today.  

Actually, I'm wearing stilts all the time.  I'm really only 4'5 and 4'8 if you're high.

God loves me more and wants me to be closer to heaven.

How the hell should I know why I'm tall? I assume that this also applies on the other side of the spectrum to you shorties out there and I bet some of you find it equally tiresome. Instead of spitting directly in your face though, I'll just laugh and smile while making a mental note to buy you Whoppers (the candy, not the hamburger) for Christmas. Then you can suffer passive-aggressively since no one should like that devil's vomit. JUST LET US BE TALL IN PEACE.

How can you not like ______?

But Ryan, why don't
you like me?

Well I'll tell you how I don't like whatever it is that you're convincing me is amazing.  I just don't. I'm sorry that you like it, but it obviously differs from my own personal tastes. If you keep shoving it in my face, it is not going to magically change my mind. Blasting Taylor Swift* directly into my ear drums will not make me a die-hard fan and sell all my internal organs to go see her live.  It will, though, motivate me to sell your organs so I may purchase a plane ticket to wherever YOU'RE not.

The exception to this rule for me is if someone hasn't tried something.  If I have delved deep enough into a certain category of whatever, please just let me have my opinions. If not, then you can bully me. Which makes a good enough segue into our next question...

How do you know you won't like _____?

I know I just said you guys can bother me if I haven't tried something enough for my opinion to be set in the subject and that you're all gonna throw out the hypocrite card.  Please, set down your torches and pitch forks and let me explain.

Look, I'm aware of the fact that one must explore and try new things in their life to gain experience and this "personality" I keep hearing about, but there are just places I will not go. Things I'm already aware of suck/related to something I've done.

Ow, my feelings.

This movie has Kristen Stewart. Please, set this 8 dollars on fire instead.

See how that insect has deadly fangs and an evil glint in it's eye thing? I'm not holding that until you kill it with fire.

You got a puzzle for us to do tonight? Yeah, I have a lot of...cats to wash right now...FIRE

Fruit cake (need I say more?)

(Apparently I have some subconscious thoughts about fire...)

I am going to stay far away from all those things I deem not suitable for any form of exploration. Why? Because I damn well please. Or any other sentences that sound like that. Please, attack me for me contradicting myself. But remember that Santa puts bitches like that on the naughty list.

So, why are you single?

When I get asked this, part of me knows that it's some kind of weird compliment. Kind of like the person is saying that I, of all people, should have been scooped up by now by some Prince Charming in a BMW and whisked away to his snazzy pad.  Of course, I hear: What's wrong with you that causes you to be undesirable?

All of my exes died mysteriously and it just keeps happening! *paired with crazy eyes*

I'm exclusively looking for old, ailing, extremely wealthy, men in the hospital.

Well I have this weird itch I can't seem to get rid of...

I hate everyone.

I think this is the one that stumps me the most. Hm, well I don't know why I haven't found that person yet. As far as I know, I'm usually not voluntarily being single but I'm also not voluntarily picking up everyone that comes along. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I want to be single? Maybe my lover just died in a horrible cat grooming accident and you are exacerbating my wounded soul. Maybe I'm a sister wife. How do you feel now? Because I hope it's like shit.

Do you know what you're doing stranger by asking me this question?! You're making me think of all the decisions that have led up to this point and made me realize I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE. Or that I'm single. Either or.

I know this may be some weird flirting technique but realize for me (and those like me) you're hurting our brains. Ask me why I don't like T-Swift, I'll have much more to say.

So there you go, a few questions that cause me minimal anxiety. If you ever expect me to answer more than a silent stare or a slow, "I dunno...," then pick a different subject, like different cat breeds or how Crocs deserve to all be incinerated; then we can become friends.  I know that I'm not perfect and have probably asked something along these lines and have badgered you into liking something, but I'm trying, OK? You guys will probably just keep asking these anyways...

Do you guys have any questions that you feel like you can never answer very well? What are your favorite "answers"? Is it my fault for not thinking about these specific topics enough to myself or is it the person who is asking the questions? Please, let me know.

You all know how I have to have practice conversations with myself in the mirror to even get through a day.  Sometimes even the anxiety of that gives me a small seizure.





*I'll admit, gal has some catchy tunes, but overall I'm not a huge fan. Nothing against her and her success, just not my taste. So please don't judge me when I drive up next to you shouting "You Belong With Me" while crying and shoveling a Wendy's frosty into my mouth at 3 in the morning.  We all have our moments.