Still Here

I feel like I've been neglecting you all. I mean, I told myself that I'd write more all about the experiences I would have in China since they are more unique. I wouldn't go as far to say that they're one of a kind since there are about nine million people in my city, but I can at least share my perspective, right? It's the least I could do.

I'd like to say that this sort of hiatus is due to some sort of influx in work, but that's a lie. I always seem to find myself with time on my hands and instead of writing things down, I find myself watching reruns of America's Next Top Model and The Newsroom (Which I'm kind of obsessed with; thanks a lot, Brad.). The closest thing that I think I could call this would be some kind of mental rut. I know that I have the time and capacity to do something, but I find it a lot easier to just lie back and drink in someone else's creation. You should be writing in your journal. You should be studying your Chinese. You should researching something. These could-a, should-a, would-a's start to pile up and it's really easy to tell myself that it's too much. I've done enough today, I can always do it tomorrow. I don't though and it's frustrating.

I've mostly been the type of person that tries to keep up to date on their word and when I don't, I put myself down. It becomes a weird cycle where I eventually have to force myself to do something. Even if I think the project I churn out is mediocre, I force myself to do it to kick my brain into gear. Oh yeah, this is something that I like doing. It becomes less of a chore and I can pull myself out of that mental rut.

Part of the downward cycle I've been in recently is attributed to my move, I won't lie. Was it the expectation that I set things so high that I'd have the most interesting time; more so than everyone else? I really must have just not been looking hard enough at the situations I was having to get anything out of them, which means I'm a dull person. These thoughts that I kept having didn't really get me anywhere at the time. They are valid questions, but in the state of mind I was in they just cemented the idea that I didn't need to--that a lot of didn't matter.

Moving halfway across the world was incredibly exciting at first and still is. What I hadn't prepared for was the reality of the different. Back in little Cedar City, even going to the store to pick up some groceries meant I would be able to communicate with a human being. Now, just leaving my house and talking to another presents problems on its own, mostly dealing with communication. Growing up in a largely individualistic society, I wasn't prepared for the different sense of community here. It'd be false to say that I didn't find some things annoying, because I can name several, but that's culture. I'd say I'm experiencing a certain type of longing for the culture I grew up in; to have people back to how I was used to them acting. In truth it's lonely.

But do I have to stay lonely? No, was the conclusion I came to. I could take the path I seem to be going and drudge through my days, just waiting for an end, or, I could try and alter my perspective. In no way am I forcing myself into a mold that makes me uncomfortable, but more of like into a new speedo that I have to break in. It feels kind of foreign, but I've already known the feeling, and before long I can get back to swimming the laps...of life.

 So bad simile/metaphor aside, I gave myself attainable goals. Literally, wrote out goals and posted them on my wall to remind myself. Each one has a subheading to further explain the point and also to give myself a pep talk so I can't weasel my way out of it. I can take this chance to redefine my mental vocabulary and set myself on a better path. If I've learned anything from watching internet videos, is that you can't reach too far and expect to not fall off of a moving car. I can start at the bottom of the stairs and take one at a time...or any other goal reaching metaphor you can think of.

That makes this the mediocre jump start. Even in writing this, I veered way off topic of what I was actually going to write about (simple updates, blah blah blah) and my brain guilted me into being honest with how I really feel sometimes. To me the public declaration to be more proactive says that I have to hold myself to that promise. Even though this could turn on itself in the ugly spiral of defeat, I'm still taking that chance. Euch, feelings. But now I have the goal to keep myself on some type of schedule, sharing with you whether you like it or not.

Now how about something to take your mind off all that. Here you go:

I actually own this entire calendar.
Cats doing yoga. Yup.