Songs For Your Bowels

Since living in China, I've had people at home ask me about my experiences living here. Thinking about it, one would usually hope to hear some story about a great cultural experience where I saw something that, "I'll never forget," or that "My life has been forever changed."

While I would like to tell them such things, I usually opt for a much different path:

My bowels.

Yes, when people ask me what is going on in China I tell them about my current bowel movements. Basically since living here, my GI tract has decided that it was no longer going to function at 100% ability and instead function at about, I'd say, 36%. All the plumbing is seriously jacked up.

Since I started spending an inordinate amount of time sitting down wishing I could just die instead of enduring the bathroom agony, I began thinking of inspiration or motivation. Purely, the motivation to try and get through your bowel movement that has quarantined you to the toilet seat. I figured that everyone in the world poops and that I'm not the only one who has had problems. I would even venture to say that everyone has, at one point, sat on a toilet for much longer than they desired to. With this in mind, I decided that the world needed a motivational playlist to get through this. This way, when you rest your hands on your head and wish that this moment in your life would cease to exist, you can listen to some tunes that will power you through...your dump.

1. Sweet Nothing (feat. Florence Welch) by Calvin Harris

Because maybe you've had sweet nothings for long enough. Yes, you GI tract. Please stop giving me sweet nothing.

2. Radioactive by Marina and The Diamonds

We all know that you've been in the bathroom for about a half hour. It's quite obvious that anyone else who wants to enter in the next 3 hours needs a hazmat suit.

3. Lonely Boy by The Black Keys

Just listen. Listen. This will help you when you're crying and realize that you--YOU are the lonely boy. Hopefully, you won't be alone for long.

4. Gimme More by Britney Spears

Gimme more! OoooOooo!

5. Mirror by Justin Timberlake

I can see you sitting there, looking at yourself in the mirror--CAUSE I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU NOW, I'M LOOKIN' RIGHT AT THE OTHER HALF OF ME.

6. Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

There definitely is some serious waterfall going on...

7.I Feel It All by Feist

You're feeling it all. Just...so many feels.

8.Die Young by Ke$ha

That's really all you're hoping for right now. You thought it was a good idea to eat that block of cheddar cheese. Boy, you were wrong...

9.Let's Have A Kiki by The Scissor Sisters

"I'm gonna let you have it--NOT" said the intestines.

So there you have it. A quick playlist that you can jam to and try and survive your short isolation from the real world while you enter the world of the porcelain throne. There isn't any rule that says you have to agree with me on any song in this list, I'm just trying to help. So put on your game face and step up to the plate. Because in the game of porcelain thrones, you win...or you die.