What Are You Doing?

I have yet again come to that beautiful interim period of my life where I'm this weird limbo of the worlds I operate in. The world of Cedar City is distant as the semester has ended and I just feel so foreign in Salt Lake .

See, staying in Cedar for so long got me into a routine and a good one at that. Breakfast was always at the same time, as was lunch, and dinner was usually at the "normal" dinner hour. Now I find myself eating Wendy's in the middle of the night because somehow I forgot to eat for most of the day. What is happening?

Along with this, I've really tried to adjust to staying at my parents house. After living with almost no people to  having some people around, things get a little confusing. Wait, did I not just leave a cup on the counter to use again? Because it has now disappeared. Hm, what kind of food will have appeared in the fridge today...

Little things like that all over the house accompanied by my imagination (from the excessive scary movies I watch) only tell me that I'm just going to be murdered by a cup cleaning, fridge stocking, killer.

I find myself thinking over and over that I'm getting progressively lazier. Eight o'clock one morning becomes 9 o'clock the next. A banana and an apple turn into fruit snacks and fancy cakes. That book in my hand turns into a Game of Thrones marathon (which I do not regret). With myself realizing my lack of productiveness, others probably start to as well which always leads to:

So...what are you doing?

Well, I'm eating breakfast.

No, but what are you doing?

It's a question that a lot of undergraduates (or post grads) fear--especially when they don't really know. Right now, I only have to take one more class in my undergraduate program to complete the requirements for graduation...and then what? It's a question that keeps me up at night because of my indecisiveness at picking a career. Will I continue my education in graduate school (that said, if I get into my graduate program) or will I work? Will I be a bum on the street or pick career plan B? Will I even like my career?

And it starts to freak me out because I end up telling myself that I'm just going to end up with my cat in some hole in the ground while I sell pictures of my feet to get by.

I also beat myself over the fact that I had never put much thought into this when I was younger. By happenstance, I went to my old high school yesterday which has since been torn down and rebuilt into a giant, sterile, monstrosity where children go to learn. Inside the doors I still got that feeling that this was a high school where kids skip class and it has that...feeling, I guess. With all of the new windows and shiny new doors though, it was almost like my experience never existed. High school Ryan, you idiot! Why didn't you focus more on college courses in high school and plan for your future? Couldn't you have picked a hobby that was really applicable to the real world and would guarantee you a job?!

I just want to time travel back to my sophomore year and slap myself in the face. Also, tell myself that I should keep my hair short and try to eat all the food.

But I didn't because that's how life is. So here I am where I have to make real adult decisions that may or may not incredibly affect my future. At least, I think they're adult decisions (Don't you real adults get on me with what a hard decision is; I'm not there yet so keep your 36 hour deliveries to yourself).

The only good thing about this is that I have about a month before this impending shit storm lands on my house. Considering how it's not all bad and stinky though, maybe I should just call it a moderately sized hill. A lot of the times when I think I'm making a poor decision or something that could be hard and the outcome isn't beneficial, it can change my life in a good way.

Oh no Ryan! In a text format this could be interpreted as sappy with your voice cracking and a tear drifting slowly down your cheek only to rest on your chin (like in the movies!). Abort! Abort!

I'm not about to get all sappy with you guys. Mostly, I'm looking for how all you deal with stress of impending doom life decisions because I'm dealing with it by compulsively eating in bed and playing The Legend of Zelda (or maybe I'm the only person who can't deal these issues and I fail at life. Meh, yolo).

Also, I promise that I will tell you about all my oncoming life decisions soon, internet. I'm just the type of person that doesn't like to announce something until it is completely certain.

Now if you'll excuse me, there are some doughnuts calling my name.