You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up.
Ignoring the economy, college diplomas, finances, and common physical law, I found exactly what I want to be when I grow up.
Paula Deen.
This means that if I can be anything I want, then you can too. So here are my Five *Flawless* Steps to Becoming Paula Deen.
| "Quick! I hear a meal that needs our help!" |
Step 1. Get on that accent y'all!
If any of you weren't aware, our friend Paula hails from Georgia where the accent is as thick as the butter. So in order to prepare our transformation into Paula-hood we need to take on an accent of our own. For those of you who can afford it, I would suggest going to the Paula School of Accent located in Brooklyn. But for the rest of us common folk who can't afford such fancy pants education, you can follow my southern drawl techniques.
If you're like me, you have access to the internet and thus, the glorious YouTube. On this "YouTube," find each and every video that stars our inspiration and watch them on repeat. You may start seeing visions and having intense dreams, but this only leads us into our next step...
2. Pop some butter in the oven!
One cannot simply hope to transform into the vision of Paula Deen without making food. Some of you are probably on that "Well I made cereal for breakfast phase," but I think we need to reach out side of our comfort zones. There you go, keep reaching...keep going...ahh. There, you did it. You have reached over the edge and fallen into the metaphorical butter lake.
Now you can cook like Paula. You made cereal for breakfast? SLAB ON THAT BUTTER.
Dang, my water is soooo dull. BUTTER.
I just don't know how I'm going to make this bake sale succes--STICK SOME BUTTER IN IT YOUR IGNORANT GOOD FOR NOTHING.
3. Gain some sort of cult following
How else would we become a demigod without having a small following? I'm not saying that you need to have a cooking show on the food network, just something similar...
Start a gang of "hoodlums" who graffiti the town in butter. Become that guy who wears the Crocs who shares his infinite wisdom with everyone and anyone who passes. Start a knitting club for cats.
If you build it, they will come...and follow you religiously while also giving you protection and an assortment of fine needle-point pillows.
4. Get your hurr did
If you've followed step 2 at all, you by now have that wonderful southern drawl that attracts all the cats in the hood. Or maybe you should stop being so ignorant. Gosh, so rude.
| Little known fact: Paula also hosts the show, "Paula Pimps" |
Here, we begin our physical transformation. First establish an array of bright colored, button-up blouses and mom jeans. Next, you need to either attain a wig (I hear sheep hair is very in right now) or grow out them luscious locks y'all (yAHll, meaning: all y'all over there, get some buttah!) and go get your hurr did. By now, we know her face by heart with all the pictures we've pasted onto our walls. The silvery wisp of hair that flips our in every which way, the wide smile for chewing up fried chicken, and the eyes that penetrate your very soul. Doesn't it just give you shivers of joy?
5. Sacrifice a small goat
Everyone knows that in order to attain this level of serenity, you must sacrifice a small goat. I suggest doing it in your front yard in the evening. I mean, who wants to be that guy who sacrifices a goat in the middle of the day, am I right? Before this, you should also probably check with the fire department and make sure that you don't need any goat burning permits in your area. Because what ruins a good goat burning? Permits.
So there you have it. Five flawless steps to becoming Paula Deen. Always remember that if you work hard enough, you can achieve all your dreams. All of them. Yes, even that one (you disgusting individual).
hahahahahaha
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