Here Comes The Bride

Just the other day I had the opportunity to attend my good friend Grace's wedding. Like most Mormon weddings, the day started out at the Salt Lake LDS temple where, in Mormon standard time fashion, I was running onto the temple grounds at precisely 11:00 (when I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be earlier or not).

With an untied bow tie flying around my neck, I ran to the exit door where all recently married couples exit and all the families get together and ogle at the new bride and groom while pictures are snapped to celebrate this happy day.  Only, I didn't see anyone that I knew at the exit.

Oh no.

In my mind, I was beginning to doubt my memory as to when I was supposed to arrive. It must have been 10 o'clock, that's why no one is here and I am a terrible friend and why couldn't someone have told me. With this in mind, I resigned myself to a bench in the shade while I finished tying my bow tie and constantly reminding myself what a terrible human being I was while I prayed that the time really was 11 and someone would show up soon. Not long after this, a few familiar faces started trickling in towards the exit door and I gave my memory a small pat on the back and happily waited until the new couple emerged.

"Grace is getting married?!"

From here, we have the usual wedding day events:

-Take pictures in front of the temple
-Mingle awkwardly while you aren't sure whether or not you need to be in any more pictures at the temple
-Oh, I need to be in this one?
-Haha. Of course not, how could I think I was supposed t--Oh I am.

Then, due to my lack of literal familiar ties with the bride or groom, I got to take a few hours off until I was to show up at the reception for, you guessed it, more pictures.

I mean, we do hire these photographers to remind of us the joyous occasion that occurred, but it makes me wonder how fickle people think their memory is. I can only imagine a conversation 60+ years down the road going something like this if there was no photographer:

Old Bride: Oh do you remember our wedding day, dear? Wasn't it glorious?

Groom: Yes, what a lovely winter morning it was.

B: No, it was in the middle of august, dear.

G: I do recall though, that I had a chill that day though and people seemed quite put out that there was snow.

B: But I recall it was so hot that Aunt Gina had heat stroke and had to be hospitalized.

G: That was your sisters birthday...or was it your cousin's quinceanera?

B: Wait...were we even married?! We have no evidence!

G: Nooooo *dramatically throws fists to the sky*

...I jest.

So of course later on, the bride calls me up and inquires as to my whereabouts since I was supposed to be at the venue at 5 (the call was placed at 4:45). So again, in good Mormon fashion, I show up slightly late with my tux askew after having a small panic attack thinking I had lost my tie and cuff-links (both of which were not far away and easily located later).

 Then, I walk quickly into the building to do my job!...which I wasn't really sure was at the time. Shortly, I found out my job was to stand in grass while I got a few pictures with the bride and then sat around while I hoped that no one could see pit stains on a tuxedo.

What happened next was basically how most wedding receptions go that I have attended in my life (which consist mainly of LDS receptions):

-You see copious amounts of people from your old high school years (if it's a friends wedding)
-You see copious amounts of people you do not know but constantly tell you that you look so dapper in your tux (Why thank you, you should thank the tiny hands that sewed it).
-You see copious amounts of people lined up to see the bride and groom who continually sneak sips of water and bread behind their backs because by now they're beginning to see stars.
-You get really anxious when the only place to sit is the chairs on a table where the guests are unrecognizable to you and you don't want to be "That guy" who walks around asking everyone, "SO HOW DO YOU KNOW THE BRIDE/GROOM?!" whilst giving them a look that says, "I might have been institutionalized in the last 12 months".
-You cling to the one person you brought for dear life so as not to look like a loser/wedding crasher.

This is at least how it goes down for me.

The night concluded with some awkward singing and a few speeches and eventually people cleared out after the bride and groom ran away probably to finally put real food in their stomachs and massage their smile muscles after hours of use.

I'm always glad to attend weddings because most people are so happy and I was especially happy to attend this one to see one of my best friends (ex-girlfriend even, HAHA) get hitched to someone that she feels comfortable enough to let her pick his scabs or whatever it is married people do.

My friend Grace is similar to me in the sense that very mundane situations can become trials of anxiety because we both often attach crazy thoughts to them. I was glad to see though that she wasn't running around her own wedding making sure everyone had food to eat or that someone hadn't died in the bathroom (who knows, maybe she did but at least she kept it discrete). I'm happy for her and was hoping that somewhere in her mind, she thought that this wedding would have been Kate Middleton approved; especially due to the fact that my niece called her a "princess."

Yes Grace, Kate and (dare I say) Pippa Middleton approved.

This is the only picture that I was able to snap or Grace at the temple. I really wouldn't have it any other way, though. Congrats friend, I love you so much and always hope for the best.

Look! It's Kate Middleton...'s biggest fan.

I Now Pronounce You...

I happen to keep finding myself at wedding receptions recently.

That or receiving invitations, checking my schedule, seeing that it's full of watching Top Model and sleeping in gutters for the next year and I decide I can't go.  I don't know, they're the same to me.

I took pictures of myself just
to see how I'd look for my wedding.
Shmexy.

But to the receptions that I HAVE been to, there is some magic in the air.

No, I'm not talking about drugs.  No, not talking about all the lovey dovey-ness that is floating around at these shindigs.  What I am referring to is the strange phenomenon that I will dub:

THE MAKE OUT VIRUS

Now despite what you may think, this does not cause the victim to spontaneous start mackin' on everyone around them, it instead causes a state of deliriousness where the victim believes they want a significant other. That they can mack on.  And snack on.  And whatever else you do to people you date. How should I know, I have a cat.

But anyways, some strange feeling seems to come upon people and they feel the need to be kissed or kiss.  I came to the conclusion that it was simply the environment.  A person is being surrounded in a celebration of commitment and they go, "Hey, I think I want in on some of this action, bleeegghhhh." *SMACK* (that's the person going open mouthed toward any other person at the wedding and getting slapped like a ho behind on payments).

I'll admit, I've even slightly had a small outbreak of this.  Then I broke out in hives and realized I'm allergic to feelings.

Even my weird heart has felt some of these which I found weird.  See, I'm not the most commitment oriented person when it comes to...well, commitment.  I'm usually single because I choose to be since most of the time I think relationships are confusing, weird, hard, and scary.*  So then I take this thinking and apply it to everyone else.  I look at those people who are getting married all around me and think to myself, "AH, THEY'RE NOT READY, WHHHHYYYYY?!"  or "How can they think they can get married when they don't even know each other?  They're going to be unhappy really quick." or "They're just getting married to have sex."

As you can see, I'm a little pessimistic on the subject so far since a majority of the time I think people are getting married for the wrong reasons.  But then, I go to receptions and my mind gets all googly and I break out in hives and stab myself with an epi-pen repeatedly.

I walk upon two people who I deem worthy to call themselves "Married."  But why are they different from the other Joes and Nancys?  Somewhere in my mind I tell myself that these two are smart enough to know what they're getting into and the cynical little man in my head that thinks relationships are poo gets tied up and thrown into a cellar somewhere.  Then the rats chew on him until I leave the festivus of love.

I guess that I'm worried about people sometimes or what type of relationship will stem from being unprepared.

Homegirl was ready for this wedding. This is
for a specific fanatic (you know who you are).

So, by no means am I against marriage, I think it's pretty dandy under the right circumstances.  One day, I'll probably even head down that road of sharing a place of residence and dealing with smelly feet (you all know that's a concern, don't lie).  For some people, I don't think it's their time yet but who am I to judge when I don't know everyone terribly well.  Hell, I don't even know myself that well. Hence, still single.

But please, keep inviting me to these things.  I can't get enough of this free food.  Or stealing some of your wedding cake when you aren't looking.



*Can someone say commitment issues?  Well hopefully you can, you just read it.  Just sound it out.  There you go, I'm proud of you.  Now shutup.  Just shut your cake filled mouth.