Christmas with the Cardenas Clan

Despite the fact that Christmas has come and gone, I'm going to tell you a little about mine.  Enjoy.  Also, disclaimer, this is a little long so if you have things in the oven or on the stove, cat needing brushing, socks that need washing, go do that.  I think you'll probably find it more satisfying anyways.  What's better than warm socks?

That time of year has come and gone again where families around the world get together and celebrate the holiday of Christmas.  Trees are decorated, houses are lit (with lights, not fire), and gifts are exchanged and promptly returned and exchanged for something else since you overheard that Susan wouldn't be caught dead in that tacky pink dress.  But you thought it was a pretty dress you tell Susan.

"If anyone gave me that dress, I'd set it on fire in front of them and then I'd set that person on fire.  So who'd you get for Secret Santa?"

Damn you Susan...

Anyways, I digress.  One more thing that people usually gather around is the decoration of gingerbread houses.  My family goes along with this tradition and decorates a gingerbread house, but somewhere a few years ago this tradition went a little off track and we added some of that Cardenas Flair.  Now, I'm going to give you some examples of a traditional gingerbread house that I just pulled off a Google image search:




I think I heard some "Ahhhhh"s and some "Adorbs!" from a couple of you (you know who you are).  These are cute little houses  with fun decorations that just scream Christmas. Listen...CHRISTMAS!  See?  Normal house.

As I said before, the Cardenas gingerbread house took a turn for the different some years before.  I can't recall the exact reason it changed, possibly due to modeling after some Calvin and Hobbes ideas, or just because we thought it would be fun, but either way, it is what it is.

Now when I show friends and others our gingerbread house, they respond appropriately with the "Ahhhhh"s and the "That's a cute hou--!" Then they start to look closer.

Here I present to you the Cardenas Gingerbread House of Horror with commentary:

Here we come to the front of the house where we happen upon a happy pirate/evil Communist genius.  Communist due to the fact I watch too many old James Bond movies and he has a glowing green eye.  Anywho, he is urging on the gummy bears to attack those poor marshmallow people who never had a chance.  Then we added some holiday cheer by covering it in sugar sprinkles!

 Here we have a marshmallow man trying to escape from the carnage that is going on behind him.  Did he make it?  We'll never know

Off to the left, we can see a happy marsh--oh wait, he's decapitated, there's his body.

In the back, we have our oblivious giant gingerbread man who is just taking it in.  Poor guy.  On the tree is also an angry pink guy, what he's doing there, I'm not sure.  Maybe he's a bird.



Next is the back of our house, with a beautiful gingerbread man's head decorating the entryway.  The decorator told us it would add more retail value to the house.

As we round the corner we find an alien chasing down some marshmallow men, one who appears to be laughing.  I bet it's because he's the only one who got away.

Next is the roof.  Up here we find the house decorated with brightly colored candy balls which add some nice texture to the house.  Also, there's an alien with a leg in his mouth and a poor man who apparently fell to pieces.

Upon the chimney who do we find? Santa!  Just kidding, it's another alien.  Got you, didn't I?  He has just recently gotten that gingerbread man who's leg is in the previous aliens mouth.

Looking underneath the awning of our house we find one man who had some sort of accident that left him blown to pieces up here *points to head*.  I wonder where that ended up...

Oh there it is!  Splattered all over the concrete and shingles!  I do have to say that these deep ruby red does wonders for the color scheme of the house.

Moving on, we come to the train station next door.  Why anyone would live right next door to a train station is beyond me.  Maybe that's why the house was so cheap, if only they knew...

Our train has apparently just pulled straight out of hell and is being commandeered by an evil man with a mustache.  If you have a curly mustache and a black hat, you're automatically evil, deal with it.  A tribal head is placed perfectly in the center of the train creating a nice balance as it runs over a poor pink man who wasn't fast enough to step out of the way.

Or as I learned from drivers ed, he must have not looked before crossing train tracks.  Silent killers those trains out of hell are.

Here is a larger picture of our hell-sent train.  Leaning on it you can see a giant snowman who has so fashionably used a peppermint as a stylish belt. FABULOUS *hand flip*

Up on the top you can see the real conductor with a nice green hat.  I would be that happy too if I got to drive the party train from hell.

If we come in a littler closer, here we find the result of some experiment: The gummy bear centipede.  He enjoys long walks on the beach, sipping pinot grigio, cooking waffles at 5am, and discussing the benefits of drinking acai juice.  He's also enjoys devouring gummy bears and adding them to himself.  Hard to believe he's still single.

Being tugged along in the caboose of the train is a marshmallow dragon cow.  Often thought to be a ferocious creature, the dragon cow is docile and grows his own bonsai trees.  He puts hours of care into each one and has consecutively won the award of "Feng Shuist Tree on The Block" award for five years.

I'm just assuming that guy ate a lemon.  Probably his eternal punishment for having a marshmallow hand.

And last, but certainly not least, we have our interracial confused snowman.  I think this needs no other explanation than to look near his bottom.









So there you have it, a Cardenas family tradition.  Like I've said before, we all have our family traditions.  Mine just might be a bit stranger than yours, but that's what family is all about isn't it?  A place where a bunch of weirdies can get together and even if they judge one another, they're still connect by genetics.  If you're adopted, then I guess you're out of luck, you guys all get what I mean though.

A couple more things to add some holiday cheer to your day, Cardenas Quotes (not as many as last time, this is just from sheer memory):

"Get up or die!"

"Matt Damon is bald?! NOOO!"

"A homeless man thought I was David Archuletta so I sang for him so he'd go away."

"I just hate all people."

"Sooo, are we giving this away or can we just eat it?"

"Just say they're ethnic marshmallows."

"The children are restless. " (Christmas church 20 minutes in)

"That's an...interesting sweater."

That's all my mind is bringing up right now.  Family, if you can think of any, feel free to add your input.

Hopefully we can all feel some holiday cheer this season and get together with our families, whatever that family consists of (around 35, mine will be a cat and Ben and Jerry's ice cream)

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!

Hold On, I'll Call You Back

It's finals week.  My brain is full of knowledge that I am not going to use next semester and rarely in everyday life.  It's time for me to empty some random crap I have in the old noggin' so that I have room for what I need.

Alright, here we go...

There's a good friend of mine that I actually talk to on the phone (I know, you're thinking that I'm actually getting human interaction, yay me!).  Anyways, this is how our phone calls usually go:

*ring ring*

Me: Hello?

G: Oh my gosh, I have something I need to tell you!

Me: I can't talk right now, let me call you back, 5 minutes!

5 Hours Later...


*ring ring*

G: Let me call you back

Me: Ahhhhh...

The Next Day


*ring ring*

Me: Hello?

G: Hey you called me

Me: Did I? Huh, now I can't remember why...

G: Maybe I called you...

Me:  I do seem to remember calling you though

G:  Ope, gotta go, bye!

*sigh*

Occasionally, we do have a decent conversation, but this is what happens a majority of the time.  I'm on ly writing this because I need to focus on something else rather than how monopolies work or what I'm going to have to pay in accounting when a hurricane hits my plant.  It's been a long day...this makes me laugh and relax a bit.  One day I'll have a phone call where we only pick up and hang up once.  One day...

Also, to lessen the pain on my brain, I dance around to Robyn's Dancing On My Own.  It really helps, I promise.

Oh...Obviously

Well finals week is now descending upon us like the snow has from the sky, so all my classes are winding up final lessons and making sure everything is in order.

So, of course, I'm going to talk about class.  Biology, in fact.  Never done that before.

So we were finishing up the last chapter in our Biology book today when we get to a discussion about common ancestry.  My professor brought up the point that dolphins and humans have similar bone structure in their fins/hands and that way back when, we must have had some funky looking common ancestor.  Jokingly, my professor says, "I wonder what that thing must've looked like."

A student from the other side of the room, "It was the little mermaid!"

*laughter*

"You know, I always wondered how she got air to sing and why she didn't sound like muamuauaauaaa," my professor said.

*more laughter*

Then, with a face of cold stone and complete seriousness, the girl in the second row,

 "It's because she had gills."

Oh...obviously that's it, how could we have all been so foolish.  *awkward shiver*

Let's just say that the humor in the room at that moment threw itself off the top of the library.



Sidenote:  I'm usually a Scrooge about Christmas music, but apparently my black heart has melted and I can partake in the Christmas spirit.  I've recently been obsessed with the She & Him Holiday station on Pandora as it is all very classy Christmas music.  Mostly, it doesn't make me want to stab my ears.

Consider the Lilies of the Field...

...as I run them over with a lawn mower.

Ok people, it's one of those times where I can't focus so I'm taking a quick break from writing my English paper (more on that later) and writing down nonsense that makes me giggle like tickle me Elmo.

Earlier today I was mowing up some leaves in my backyard before it snows like hell* here and after my last time emptying the leaf catcher, the warning on the mower caught my eye.  Here is what my mind thought upon seeing the pictures:

Don't make peace signs at the mower or it will chop your fingers off.  Also, don't kick the mower, you'll lose your toes.

This mower isn't for running over children holding hands, it's for running over single men.

Do NOT perform a tribal African dance in front of the mower else it spear you with red arrows in the cranium, asophogus, and shin.

 This mower should only be used as a skateboard ONLY when the ground is under 15 Degrees in slope.  Or you'll die.  Also, use both feet, not just one.

Oh the things that bring me joy.

*Can it snow like hell?  I guess that would be fiery snowballs...you guys get what I mean.

In The Spirit of Giving--A Turkey Day With The Cardenas Clan

In the spirit of giving, I thought I'd share with you all a Thanksgiving day with my family since every family is unique in their own way.  We don't get to choose our families, but we sure get to talk about them.  You're welcome mother.

In response to an action:  "What are you, three years Old?"  "No, three year olds are smarter."

"Eat as much as you want, just make sure you drink lots of water after and you'll be fine."

"You better drink skim milk...to save your heart."

"You're a phlebotomists dream!"

"We're hobbits!"

"Your cat cheated on you..."

"...but Pocahontas made raccoons looks so cute."

"Church will be really huge so no one will notice we didn't come."

"Use the please word."

"You know that crazy person in Cedar? "  "...all of them?"

"I'll just stop selling crack."

"Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving Joey"

and to finally sum up the experience:


"If you miss Thanksgiving dinner I'm going to rip off your head."

Ah Thanksgiving, a time to eat, eat again, eat late, eat pie, and sit crowded together for a couple hours.
Feel free to share some of your favorite Holiday moments with your family.  Happy Thanksgiving!

It's like camping

Within the past week or so, I recently moved into my new home that I will be residing in until the end of Spring semester.  Let's talk about some of its wonders.

When I first moved into this house, I was the only person living inside of it.  A 1950's house, under remodeling, and all alone.  You think I'd have easily died the first night living there with some man with a hook hand coming through my window.  Fortunately for me, I just had to live with occasional creaks and moans that the house made so I could cry myself to sleep.

The next week got a little bit better.  Unfortunately for my friend Nicholas, he was booted from his house and needed a place to stay.  I jumped at the opportunity so that if a hook handed man got in the house, he'd get Nick first and I'd have time to go out a window.  With Nick moving in, we decided to bring the fridge in from outside where it had been living.  It now stares at me in the living room since the kitchen wasn't ready for it.  

Another great thing that came about with Nick's arrival was the bathroom door.  Not that he brought one, it just wasn't on the bathroom before he got here, it was outside hanging with the fridge.  I decided that since if I was alone, it was ok, but I thought I'd spare Nick the horror of....all that.

We also made the place more homely by hanging up posters of female pop stars.  Because, hey, what doesn't cheer up a place like voluptuous women who sing dirty pop songs?  I bet you don't have to guess the sexuality of one resident with Katy Perry and Ke$ha staring at him while he sleeps.

So here we are today.  A fridge staring at me while I type, a door on the bathroom, and no curtains on any of the windows.  Good thing I stopped walking around naked, all the neighbors would have just been SO shocked by my AMAZING body.*  But hey, at least it's home.

Artist of Note:  I'm obsessing over Regina Spektor again.  The pre-made YouTube mix for her is excellent since it has one billion songs on it, all of which I like.

*That's totally sarcasm in case you guys didn't catch that.  I thought I'd tell you.  Fools.

Meat Trucks, Fur Coats, Water Polo--Colorado

So I recently did something that was completely out of my comfort zone and completely spontaneous.  Usually, I'm the type of person that overthinks everything and takes a long, looong time to decide.  But there are occasionally those times when I decide to be crazy and do something out of the ordinary, and sometimes, sometimes, they lead to great opportunities in my life.

Wednesday night, I was bored, done with homework and looking for something to do.  Deciding that I couldn't sit on my floor and watch any more 30 Rock on Netflix when I got home, I texted a friend asking if anyone was going to play water polo sometime during the week. "Hey! We're going to practice at 5 today, come!" was his response.  *sigh* I had just walked out of the gym (it was 4 o'clock) and my legs were killing me.  Well, I asked, so I was going to go.

I was definitely a tad rusty, but practice was fine and I got my treading legs back in the water.  Of course, after practice, my new water polo mates asked me if I'd like to join them on Saturday in going to Colorado to play in a small tournament.  After much deliberating that went something like: "I really am not good enough to play at a college level, even a small college level to play in a tournament, I'll just embarrass myself.  But water polo is FUN, you have so much fun when you play! DO IT! GOOOOOO.  NO, don't go, you'll look like a loser!"  Well, on Friday night, after a couple texts from other kids, I decided to give in and go.  After all, even if I was a total failure in the pool, I could at least have some fun.  Commence traveling music...

Instead of going to bed at a normal hour like a normal person on the day of the trip, I stayed up with this kid eating del taco and watching 30 Rock.  Imagine me going to bed at 2 in the morning, then waking up at 5:50 to meet up with the other players.  Needless to say, I was a zombie who "slept" (if you can call bumping around in a van for 5 hours sleep) the whole way there.  I woke up occasionally to eat pop tarts and adjust my position but that was about it.

First, can I talk about Colorado?  Most of it resembles southern Utah in the sense that THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE, and the other parts resemble post-apocalyptic zombie towns.  Maybe it's because I've been watching The Walking Dead, but these towns looked deserted and the sky was so sad and bleak.  I wouldn't have been surprised if a zombie walked up to our car.

Our first gas stop was the first time I moved since getting in the car and this is where I saw some of the most wonderful/horrifying things in my life.  Walking around the rural gas station, which was passed by people on dirt bikes and had a melon stand nearby, I spotted a man.

Now, I'm usually good about staring at people, but just pictures this kids.  Bleach blonde hair stuck straight up, black pants, and a large fur coat that had a collar that extended past his neck.  When I saw fur coat, I mean a FUR COAT.  This thing was thick and look like it had recently been skinned off of Sasquatch, if Sasquatch had a nice light brown pelt.  It was the most interesting combo of clothes I had seen in a long while.  To top all this off, as I was sitting in the van again waiting for the gas to finish filling up, I saw our fur man getting into his white sports car.  His passenger: Two skeletons.  Obviously the bones of his last two victims.

Well, here's where the horrifying comes in.  Still waiting for the gas, a truck drove up and parked in front of our lovely little gas station.  What I saw made me gag and cry a little.  Inside the bed of the truck, uncovered, was the ribs and other body parts of Bambi and his extended family.  This wasn't a small pile of death, this pile was piled higher than the truck itself.  They had cleaned out the forest.  Poor Bambi...never saw it coming.

After our gas station of interesting people, the trip went rather smoothly.  We arrived at the pool, got dressed, warmed up, and played some water polo.  Getting back in the pool really made me realize how much I miss this violent sport.  These kids were much more aggressive than any kids I had played in high school and they were mean.  Of course, this makes the game even better.  We played a total of three games, the first two being SUU against Colorado Mesa University, and the last game being a mixed game with everyone put together on two teams playing against each other.  Needless to say, I was rusty, and by the end of the second game, I was a little bit done playing, so the third game I mostly slacked off since it didn't really matter (and we had won the first two games, woot!).  We were supposed to play a team from Wyoming, but unfortunately, they couldn't come due to traveling restrictions or something.  By the end of this, I emerged with 3 new scratches on my left forearm and a hunger for ANYTHING.  I could have eaten a live cow and two Bambis.

After changing back into normal clothes (I also left my speedo in the locker room by the way, sad day for him, he was so young), some members from the other team and our team went to a local pub and job some delicious food.  I do have to say that it's nice when kids you compete against don't hate you just because you were competition, cause these kids were completely normal.

Well commence driving music again kids.  Back in the car we went and drive drive drive back to Cedar City. We got home around 11:15pm where I thought I would surely pass out, but instead I stayed up until 2 again.  I blame this on all the car "sleep."

End Trip

Sorry this post was a little wordy and long and mostly just description, but I'm just writing it out because it made me happy.  I made new friends, I did something I loved, and it was one of those situations where I did something spontaneous, and the results were good.

I'm going to brag for just a second before I post this, but I got my economics test back today.  85%?  95%?  NO.  I got a big whopping ol' 115%!  Take that college!  I beat you at your own game and slaughtered your test with my superior knowledge.  Gloating session over.

Band of note:  Camera Obscura and any Ella Fitzgerald.